“There are four follicles that are growing nicely.  Slow, but nicely.  We’d rather them grow slow than fast.”  These are the words that came from my beautiful doctor who has a smile that lights up all of San Diego and is shepherding me through the egg preservation process.  (See previous posts for more insights around my egg preservation journey.)

My understanding is every follicle produces a single egg.  My math tells me that equates to four possible eggs when they do the extraction.  I am no mathematician, but that also tells me this is lower than the 10 to 20 eggs they were hoping to extract when I first started this journey. 

Since I am new to this I reconfirmed my understanding of the science.  In my heart I was hoping that all of those years I had to be right about everything that I was actually wrong.  I asked how many eggs does each follicle produce?  One.

Now I was hoping my math was wrong.  So I asked does this only mean I could have four eggs?  Yes.  Darn, I was right again.

My heart sunk.  Never had I considered anything less than the 10 to 20 eggs they were hoping for.  This is a fairly new technology so the statistics are new and not necessarily representative of the technology that exists today.  However, the statistics I have heard is that about one in six eggs is a success when trying for an embryo.  Not the best odds if you have only four.  Plus, the other thing to consider is not all the eggs extracted may be viable.  So four could be three or two or one or…

So many thoughts swirled my head.  I have been doing everything they asked with all the shots at all the right times, bottles and bottles of vitamins, refraining from alcohol, no exercising, etc.  Okay, so I have been having caffeine.  My body is healthy.  I am still relatively young which is why I am doing the process now.  Why would I only be getting four eggs?

When I got to my car the weight of the tears streaming down my face started to turn my smile into a frown.  I don’t wear frowns well.  I knew it was time for me to shuck.  What were the tears telling me?

To start with it is important to feel the emotions when shucking.  If you try to suppress an emotion it stays with you and manifests in other ways.  Be with the feeling.  Use the feeling to understand what is going on inside to plant a new idea to culture. 

The key for me prying open the story behind the tears was the word “only”.  By going within I was able to see that I had an idea that more was better.  If I have MORE eggs it will increase my chances of motherhood down the road.

My experience with the eggs is the surface level experience though.  Significant for me, yes, but only the surface so it is important to go deeper to really heal the core of what is going on for me. 

To go deeper to the core you can ask where else does this show up in my life?  If I am more loving, achieving more, more funny, more, more, more…then, only when I am MORE, I will be enough.  When I am enough I will be loved.  This is simply not true.  I am loveable just the way I am.  This idea, that I am enough just as I am in, is what I want to plant in me so I can shine my pearls.

Once you understand what the emotions or physical experiences are telling you it is time to plant new ideas.  Turn the grit into pearls.  I was able to look at the number of eggs in a whole new way! 

-       How blessed I am that I am only so bloated.  If there were 10 to 20 more follicles growing who knows how big this belly might be!!!

-       I still have a week left and maybe some sleeper follicles wake up in my own awakening.

-       The soul that wants to come through my eggs didn’t want any competition.  (Love this one from a beautiful soul sister, Betsy)

-       All you need is one.

-       Motherhood may not be my journey or it may look a different way than having my own child.

Now it is time for me to surrender and trust that everything is happening as it is supposed to for my highest good and for the highest good of everyone involved.  And you, I guess you will have to practice patience as you wait to see where my journey takes me!!!

What in your life might you be able to shuck?  I invite you to go within and see what grit you can turn into a pearl!!!

I do want to take a moment to honor all the beautiful souls, men and women, going through any journey around parenthood.  I honor your courage and strength of heart.  It may not be easy.  Just know that you are surrounded with love every step of the way.

Jessica Zemple


1 Comment