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Signs are everywhere...IF you are open to receiving

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Signs are everywhere...IF you are open to receiving

In the spirit of Easter this year I decided to freeze my eggs.  Well, let’s be honest.  I didn’t decide anything.  Spirit decided for me and I listened.  (As always please feel free to replace Spirit for any concept that works for you – God, Buddha, The Universe, My Heart, Marvin Gaye, etc.) 

In January, my dear friend, who is on a complicated road to motherhood, mentioned to me that I should consider freezing eggs.  She, now in her mid-forties, wishes she could turn back the clock and make the decision to freeze eggs earlier in her life since it was no longer an option for her.  (Thankfully this beautiful world of ours has presented her with other choices to be the amazing mother she is called to be!) 

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the process there is an extraction of eggs at an earlier time in a woman’s life for a time when eggs may not be as healthy or even produced, giving the option to have a baby later in life.  Once the eggs are extracted there is a choice of carrying the baby on your own or through a surrogate.  (Forgive the simplicity of my explanation or my lack of medical expertise.)

I am simply touched at the generosity of my girlfriend’s heart.  While going through such tough times of her own she had the strength of heart to still help me on my journey.  I have so much gratitude for her because she was the first one to plant the seed, or in this case, the egg idea.  I listened to her advice and took it to heart.  My heart is where it stayed for a couple months.  (My dear friend, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.)

It was a Monday afternoon in March and I went to my gynecologist to explore some light bleeding I had in between my cycles.  During the visit my doctor did an ultrasound to see if anything was going on.  I sat there and watched the picture of my body, the body that could carry a baby, in fascination.  My first thought was sheer bewilderment of the technology we have in this world.  This increased my respect and gratitude for all my former CareFusion / BD colleagues who spend every day bringing medical technology to us with the highest quality.  Along the same lines let’s talk about the technology for egg preservation.  Unbelievable!!!

My second thought watching the ultrasound was what an amazing experience this must be for new parents seeing their baby for the first time.  This is the first time I really remember embracing that feeling of potentially being a parent.  I had considered being a mother many times before, especially when I get time with my niece and nephew.  The considerations of motherhood were always at a cerebral level though.  I was now feeling it at a heart level.  (On a side note, the ultrasound showed that I am going to be just fine with a little pipe cleaning.  I believe I was really only there for this beautiful heartfelt insight of motherhood.)

As “luck” would have it, the very next day I was at dinner with one of my dearest friends.  She shared with me that she was going to start the process of freezing eggs.  Hmm, of course you are!  Thanks Spirit!  Just in case I missed the previous signs you so brilliantly planned for this to come up with my girlfriend.  Any doubts or fears I may have had seemed to melt away knowing that my dear friend was going through the process too.  An added bonus is that now my little eggsicles are going to have some freezer buddies!

So here I am.  My friend suggesting I freeze eggs in January.  An ultrasound to give me a sneak peak of what it may feel like to see a baby for the first time in March.  A dinner with my girlfriend telling me she is freezing eggs the night after the ultrasound.  To make it even easier for me both girlfriends recommended the same fertility clinic.  Time to call!   

Just after the initial meeting with the clinic I shared my story with another dear friend, who had saved sperm years earlier due to a battle in which he kicked testicular cancer’s a$$, said to me “Funny, I was just thinking about you and saving eggs.”  Coincidence?  I think not.

There are no coincidences in life.  When one is aligned with their heart and open to what the universe has to offer, they will see and experience everything they need to move forward in this beautiful journey called life and expand more fully into the love that they already are.  The signs are everywhere whether it is in the words of a song, a billboard that you drive by, a book you have read a million times and never quite seen a certain passage until the very day you needed to read it, or my personal favorite, messages that come through my niece and nephew.

Could I be making meaning out of nothing?  Perhaps.  But I ask you, what is the worst thing that could happen if that is true?  That I have a way to help me hear what is already in my heart? 

In my case, I didn’t even consciously know it was time to answer the question of egg preservation and yet the universe kept pointing me where I needed to go.  I surrendered.  I trusted.  I listened.  I listened to the world.  I listened to my heart.  Perhaps the world and my heart are one in the same! 

What is it you are looking to answer in your life today?  Are you open to trusting the universe to provide you the answers you are looking for when the time is right?  Try it right now.  Ask the world for an answer.  Be patient.  Be open.  Receive.  Repeat.

 

P.S. Not all my blog posts will be about the egg preservation process.  It just happens to be a big part of my life right now and a lot of lessons for me that I can share to inspire even just one beautiful soul!    

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What does schizophrenia have to do with freezing my eggs?

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What does schizophrenia have to do with freezing my eggs?

I am 37 and not sure whether I want children or not.

For years I never even considered having children.  I kept telling myself that if I was in the right partnership the answer would become clear.  There is some truth to that.  There are a lot more truths to that as well.

My father has schizophrenia.  Some people believe schizophrenia is genetic.  When I was younger I too believed schizophrenia was genetic.  (Today I don’t see it so black and white.  Maybe I’ll write more about that another day.)  I spent every single second of every single day of my life in fear of getting the disease until my 25th birthday.  Somewhere I read that the disease typically shows up by a person’s mid-twenties so I made up this arbitrary date of salvation from schizophrenia.  I told myself if I could make it to 25 then I’d be okay.  My experience with the disease was dreadfully awful.  I spent much of my childhood hiding in a closet to protect myself from the rage that the disease created in my father.  I never ever wanted to be the monster I met in my childhood.

Every time I had any sort of emotion I thought it was a sign that I had schizophrenia.  I was so afraid to be schizophrenic I learned to suppress all of my emotions until my precious little body or soul could not take it anymore and I would explode like Mt. Vesuvius.  My explosions often occurred with my mother, step-father, and brother where I felt the safest.  Sometimes it happened with friends or strangers.  Never was it anything I was proud of.  I thought the explosions meant I had schizophrenia.  I don’t.  Or I may have it somewhere inside of me and it has never been triggered.  Maybe everyone has it inside of them.  I am not sure.

While prying and looking within to the stories I had created I realized I was still carrying fears of schizophrenia with me.  I was afraid of my father because I thought he was a monster.  I was afraid I would pass schizophrenia on to a child.  I was afraid that I would have to deal with another monster after spending my whole life hiding from my father.  I was afraid of having the conversation with a future partner that our child may have schizophrenia because of me.  I was afraid no man would ever love me because I may be carrying the genes.  It was only when I uncovered all these fears that I realized how that was impacting my life, especially my decision around children. 

With the brilliant teachers I have had on my spiritual journey, especially Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick, I learned I did not have to live in fear.  I could plant new ideas that would allow me to live in love through acceptance and reframing issues as blessings. 

The first truth is my father is not a monster.  My father is another beautiful soul and pure love.  My father has a disease that made him behave in a way that I considered a monster.  That is not to say I condone his behavior.  I do not approve of any abusive behavior.   

I also believe we are on earth with a specific curriculum to learn.  My curriculum included my experiences with my father.  Those experiences have also helped me with my calling to help others follow their dreams.  If my curriculum includes having a child with schizophrenia I will accept my lesson and my child with an open and loving heart.      

The perfect partner for me will not care whether my father has schizophrenia.  My partner will accept the possibility our child may have schizophrenia if we choose to have children.  My partner will love me, and any children we may have, for everything we are.  I will love him for exactly who he is too!

Had I been living the fears around schizophrenia I never would have even considered motherhood.  By cultivating these new beliefs I was able to make a decision to freeze some eggs for the possibility of having a child, with or without schizophrenia, in the future. 

Now it’s time to look at your life.  What are your fears?  What are those fears holding you back from?  It’s time to shuck those fears and live from a place of love!!!

Jessica Zemple

www.lifeshucker.com

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