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Pry

What does schizophrenia have to do with freezing my eggs?

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What does schizophrenia have to do with freezing my eggs?

I am 37 and not sure whether I want children or not.

For years I never even considered having children.  I kept telling myself that if I was in the right partnership the answer would become clear.  There is some truth to that.  There are a lot more truths to that as well.

My father has schizophrenia.  Some people believe schizophrenia is genetic.  When I was younger I too believed schizophrenia was genetic.  (Today I don’t see it so black and white.  Maybe I’ll write more about that another day.)  I spent every single second of every single day of my life in fear of getting the disease until my 25th birthday.  Somewhere I read that the disease typically shows up by a person’s mid-twenties so I made up this arbitrary date of salvation from schizophrenia.  I told myself if I could make it to 25 then I’d be okay.  My experience with the disease was dreadfully awful.  I spent much of my childhood hiding in a closet to protect myself from the rage that the disease created in my father.  I never ever wanted to be the monster I met in my childhood.

Every time I had any sort of emotion I thought it was a sign that I had schizophrenia.  I was so afraid to be schizophrenic I learned to suppress all of my emotions until my precious little body or soul could not take it anymore and I would explode like Mt. Vesuvius.  My explosions often occurred with my mother, step-father, and brother where I felt the safest.  Sometimes it happened with friends or strangers.  Never was it anything I was proud of.  I thought the explosions meant I had schizophrenia.  I don’t.  Or I may have it somewhere inside of me and it has never been triggered.  Maybe everyone has it inside of them.  I am not sure.

While prying and looking within to the stories I had created I realized I was still carrying fears of schizophrenia with me.  I was afraid of my father because I thought he was a monster.  I was afraid I would pass schizophrenia on to a child.  I was afraid that I would have to deal with another monster after spending my whole life hiding from my father.  I was afraid of having the conversation with a future partner that our child may have schizophrenia because of me.  I was afraid no man would ever love me because I may be carrying the genes.  It was only when I uncovered all these fears that I realized how that was impacting my life, especially my decision around children. 

With the brilliant teachers I have had on my spiritual journey, especially Drs. Ron and Mary Hulnick, I learned I did not have to live in fear.  I could plant new ideas that would allow me to live in love through acceptance and reframing issues as blessings. 

The first truth is my father is not a monster.  My father is another beautiful soul and pure love.  My father has a disease that made him behave in a way that I considered a monster.  That is not to say I condone his behavior.  I do not approve of any abusive behavior.   

I also believe we are on earth with a specific curriculum to learn.  My curriculum included my experiences with my father.  Those experiences have also helped me with my calling to help others follow their dreams.  If my curriculum includes having a child with schizophrenia I will accept my lesson and my child with an open and loving heart.      

The perfect partner for me will not care whether my father has schizophrenia.  My partner will accept the possibility our child may have schizophrenia if we choose to have children.  My partner will love me, and any children we may have, for everything we are.  I will love him for exactly who he is too!

Had I been living the fears around schizophrenia I never would have even considered motherhood.  By cultivating these new beliefs I was able to make a decision to freeze some eggs for the possibility of having a child, with or without schizophrenia, in the future. 

Now it’s time to look at your life.  What are your fears?  What are those fears holding you back from?  It’s time to shuck those fears and live from a place of love!!!

Jessica Zemple

www.lifeshucker.com

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Shuck the Extra Baggage

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Shuck the Extra Baggage

Shuck the Extra Baggage

Our history travels with us.  The past is our baggage.  As the baggage piles up the weight of the baggage gets unbearable to carry and you can no longer move forward.  You are stuck in one spot.  If you can shuck the baggage, you make room for more of life’s experiences and are able to go forward on your journey.  Who are you if you leave the baggage of your memories behind?  What if you even left the good baggage behind?  Are you open to the possibility that something even better could happen?

To shuck the baggage you must first look at what the baggage is.  What memories are you holding on to?  What are you telling yourself?  What are you telling the world?  Perhaps you feel like a friend betrayed you and you are waiting for an apology.    

Think about how much energy it is taking to hold on to the perceived injustice.  Every time you see something that reminds you of that friend you feel the injustice.  What are the feelings in your body?  Is your back tensed?  Is your chest heavy and making it hard to breathe?

Think about how much disappointment has been created waiting for an apology that has not, or may never, come.  Again, what are you feeling around the disappointment?  What is going on in your body?  Are you sick to your stomach?

Your baggage is now the injustice and disappointment.  What is that baggage gaining you other than aches and pains in your body or a loss of energy that can be used on creating the life you want?

Now that you have identified the memory or story it is time to move into acceptance.  To do this it is helpful to look at alternative possibilities.  I can hear the voice inside your head now “Alternative possibilities?  My friend betrayed me and I deserve an apology!” 

I know, I know.  You are right.  Your friend betrayed you.  Okay, but what are you gaining by being “right”?  The only person that is being hurt by the weight of the extra baggage of the injustice and disappointment is you.    

Consider the possibility that your friend was doing the best they knew how at the moment.  Perhaps your friend thought they were helping you out.  Perhaps your friend is jealous and they have never been taught how to understand and communicate their feelings.  How does this change your perspective?  How does it change the feelings in your body?  If you can move into acceptance of the situation you can shuck the unwanted baggage and open up space for new possibilities.   

Shucking takes practice.  Some memories and stories may take more time to shuck than others.  Always remember to be patient and kind with yourself as you are learning the art of shucking.

Now I invite you to shuck the extra baggage to see who you really are and where life can take you!!!

Jessica Zemple

www.lifeshucker.com

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